Ear licking in H wood

Park my car in a lot in downtown LA. It’s too dangerous to park on the street I tell myself. Walking now. Aviator sunglasses? Check. Cool shoes? Check. Open v-neck with gold chain around my neck. Check. I’m about to go on my first date in six months and my hands are dripping wet. Hugs not shakes. Outside the bistro now. I stand and loiter letting the nervous energy flow through my body. Fuck it. I’m a rock star baby.

I get on my phone and start rambling to a friend of mine about a film we are working on together. I bitch and complain and bash the director as much as possible. This is Hollywood right? Glancing behind me I see a 12-inch Mohawk and a dog. What the f? It is sitting at a table outside my restaurant and orders a pink vodka drink. I ignore it. Keep talking.

Crossing the street I see my date, summer dress, red lipstick, looks like a 40’s diva in living color. Cool. I cross the street to meet her. Don’t forget to smile. Asshole. Suddenly the screech of a gay man yelling.

“Betty! Where the hell have you been?” brushing past me is the 12 inch Mohawk and a pair of torn up jeans. I spot an ass cheek. Gross. Look away. Look away. My date gives the walking hair cut a hug and they chat for a moment. I stand awkwardly in the street. Hand in pockets now. She smiles at me and introduces me too Derek? I never pay attention. Before I know what is happening he is sitting at our table. Talking. Jesus this kid can talk. I want to break his face. My date has been high jacked! Fuck.

I order a beer and some bacon fries. Betty helps me eat them. Delicious. I pay for her drink. Soon its time to go. She asks if I want to head to a bar down the street.

“You will absolutely love it there. It’s Fab,” she tells me. I am skeptical. But I cannot refuse a smile and the smell of liquor. Derek decides that he will be joining us. Fuck you dude. So for the second time today my date is high jacked.

Second bar is classy, smells like leather and lawyers. The bar tenders’ name is Chris. He pours us shot after shot of lemon drops. I hate lemon drops. She loves them. I order another and smile as I drink it. This Bee better be worth it. I’m out of money now. Drunk. Embarrassed. We leave to go somewhere else. The bartender Chris decides he wants to come with us. So Betty (who is no longer really my date) her friend Derek and now the bar tender Chris all head over to a dirty and dark bar down the street. I like dark and dirty. No money. Derek buys me a beer and a shot. He puts his arm around my shoulder as he drinks it. Please don’t touch me. The thought never leaves my lips. Big Mistake.

Betty invites me back to her house. Sweet. I’m getting laid. As I make my way to the door I hear her invite Derek and Chris and someone else? The third fellow is a small man who sells pot down the hall from her. Betty. Derek. Chris. Pot dealer. Me. Jesus. I think I’m going to invite the bum on the corner too.

Her place is small. Her walls are brick, which I love. The whole place is about the size of my freshman dorm room. Bad sign. How old is this chick again? Drinks go around. Pot goes around. She goes around. From man to man. Flirting. Laughing. I’m too drunk to care. Everything is spinning. Lay down. Close my eyes. So much worse.

Open. Everyone is gone. I’m alone. Derek opens the door and jumps into Betty’s bed next to me. Eyes closed. Stop the spinning. He is talking and I am mastering the art of nodding at all the right moments. I wonder if I should be listening. Decide not to. Big mistake. Suddenly his hand is on my chest. Why? He is slowly drawing his fingers across my skin.

“Does that feel good?” he asks.

“I guess I say.” How the fuck do I get in these situations? Fucking alcohol. Saved! Betty opens the door. Grinning. She jumps into the bed on my left. I turn my head and pucker my lips. She kisses me. Sweet. She tastes like candy and vodka. I could get used to this.

Something wet slides it’s way into my right ear. I flinch. What the F? I feel the wetness start to move. Wiggling. Sliding. Darting. Is this kid actually licking my inner ear? A flash of extreme violence erupts through my mind. Bashing skulls. Blood screaming, the kind of shit that is only appropriate in wildlife documentaries. I do nothing. Pussy. She breaks off her kiss.

“Help?” I whisper to her. She doesn’t hear me as she jumps off the bed and heads to the bathroom. Has she lost her mind? Derek is breathing heavy and sucking on my ear lobe now. I decide that enough is enough. Stop.

“Look dude whatever you think is going to happen is not going to happen.” I wonder if this is too harsh. Again the image of his head breaking the brick wall of her apartment flashes through my head. Not too harsh I decide.

“What do you mean?” he asks blowing hot air on my neck. This guy thinks I have a cunt. Neck blowing? Really? Yeah cause that makes me want to fuck.

“THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN” I repeat firmly. He jumps up and starts pacing the room. He is pissed. Ha Ha. Betty comes back from her bathroom escapades. Frowning.

“What’s the matter?” she asks Derek.

“Your friend just told me I need to leave! That fucking prick. I’ve known you for longer and I’m the one that is leaving? Ahh hell no bitch. Who is he to tell me I should leave? Fuck you dude!” He started of quietly and slowly rose to a high-pitched scream. I giggle. Bad timing. He freaks out. She freaks out. I feel awkward and offer to leave. He leaves instead. Slamming the door. Betty and I stare at each other for a long moment. I’m a getting laid now. I smile. She smiles.

Knock knock. Click. The door behind me slides open. Pot dealer. Fuck. He smiles and says he has brought his bong. Now we drift into a breeze of smoke. Awkward dancing. Check my phone. 2:30 AM. Fuck this I’m not getting laid. I have to go. Peace bitches.

I’m out the door now. Lost in her maze of hallways. Puke in the corner. Now this place IS college. Find the street. Where’s my car. Parking lot. You are too drunk to drive. I call my roommate. He is up playing FIFA. Thank god.

I’m home now.

Safe.

Damaged.

Fuck dating.